My body said 3:30 am was a ridiculous time to be awake, and yet I was pulled from bed. My heart said it was time. Time to prepare for this day. This beginning. This reminder of reality that would come with a 7:30 am vaginal ultrasound.
Time to be BRAVE.
I want to write this baby’s story with courage and with strength. One day, I pray that this deeply personal journey comforts other mamas. I daydream about teaching birth professionals to reach out to infertile families, as I’ve longed to be comforted and understood. Until then, I follow my heart. Blaze a path.
To bring beauty to IVF. To the entire journey. The ignominy. The unknowns. The lack of intimacy. The loneliness.
But for now, this is a personal story. My lofty goals get boiled down to the moment when I stare at an ultrasound screen, praying for no abnormally large cysts and for normal uterine lining. Today, actually, gave me a bit of a scare. (For some reason, I currently have some type of “fluid” in my uterus – hopefully, just a heavy period about to start.) I was reminded that at any point, a host of reasons could cancel or postpone this pregnancy.
But, as lunch time rolled around, I finally got the green light to begin Lupron injections. I am tired. Exhausted, really. So, I walked in this beautiful Colorado weather. Focused on the beautiful henna art tattooed on my belly. (For those of you local in the Denver area, I highly recommend Heidi Hennigan of http://www.tendernewbeginnings.com/. She was amazing and gracious!) And got my toddler up from a nap. Laughed during Abby’s antics in the bathtub. Slumped sleepily through dinner. Lived fully in my normal family’s routine. Added prepping an injection to the evening’s rhythm.
But, I didn’t just fill a syringe or squeeze my belly. I gave my heart time to embrace the beginning of this journey. To heal. To hold. To hope.
Because, let’s be honest, I hate giving myself injections. HATE it.
If you are walking this road, I ask that you begin to see your journey as precious. Extend grace to yourself to do what you need to do to walk bravely through the unknowns. Cry. Eat whatever foods you are allowed. Love your family. Admit that injections and medication/procedure side affects are brutal. Yucky. Have some fun painting your belly or drawing smiley faces on old bruises. Whatever makes you smile.
I’m spending the night snacking in bed and watching Netflix, so clearly I’m finding my happy place 🙂 Hugs to you all tonight!