While I have been quiet for the past week or so, it has not been because life has been slow or the days quiet. Rather, the past week has been a flurry of activity to wrap up all my doula client responsibilities in Colorado, situate our living arrangement so that I could be gone for a month and arrive home on modified bed rest, and pack myself and my toddler in one suitcase for a 3.5 week trip to Texas where both my family and my RE is located.
I’m exhausted just writing that way-too-long-sentence.
Finally, Abby and I arrived – sticky from mini M&Ms and lollipops (airplane bribery) and decorated with dinosaur stickers – on Wednesday evening. We’ve settled in with my parents. Unpacked suitcases. Found favorite toys. Grocery shopped to accommodate my “paleo-ish” diet. Cooked. Hung out with several of my sisters.
Then, this morning, reality crept in. I began my ultrasound/bloodwork appointments, and added Estrace (estrogen) suppositories to my Lupron injection routine. Walking through the same frosted glass doors into the hushed reception area at the clinic felt surreal. It’s been over two years since I crossed that portal, and I know I haven’t actually assimilated – emotionally or physically – that this process has truly begun. But, it has. I have the bruised arm to prove it.
As I lay on the exam table, undressed from the waist down, I absorbed the frigid vibes from the sterile room and then pushed them away. I am BRAVE. This baby will be a fighter, and I’m going to protect my heart as much as possible. Still, I also know that I’m just one of thousands of women who are daily told to “undress from the waist down” and then assume a spread-eagle position to await ultrasound results. Surely, there must be something as a community we can do to celebrate the medical technology, but still create intimacy in this journey. So, I took a photograph. A different type of selfie. Stripped from the waist down. Hugging my “good luck” kimono around my shoulders. Pondering how we can change this IVF journey for the better.
I don’t have that answer, but for now I have paleo blueberry muffins on the counter, cooling green tea in my mug, and an awake toddler on the baby monitor. Life continues. Injections go on. Suppositories begin.
This is only the beginning…