I hear the refrain of my own tagline reverberating in my own heart . . . “one woman’s journey through the deluge of infertility and the splatterings of hope” . . . and know that there are not words to capture the emotions of my own soul, emotions that many of you are also familiar with – pain, disappointment, emptiness, anger, waning hope, dwindling peace.
However, I desire to share my story – the raw truth of a Christian woman’s fight with infertility – not to rant and rave (though I do much of that), but to pray and give thanks, to encourage you in your own struggle, to help you find a refuge from the pain I know too well.
You are not alone. You were never alone.
That truth may be hard to swallow, evoking more doubt than it does comfort. Yet, I am learning to sing its sweet melody through dark nights, gloomy morning, and painful days: “I am not alone. I have never walked alone.”
We are held by a Savior who weeps with us, wraps us in His arms, and whispers “Peace, Be Still” in the chaos of the storm.
For 3.5 years, I yearned for a baby, dreamed of growing big with child, planned how I would tell my parents, discussed names and nurseries. For 3.5 years, I obsessed, grown depressed, longed for answers, turned my face from God, screamed at injustice, and tried remedy after remedy promising to cause my body to ovulate and conceive.
“All for naught” is a bold-faced lie, however. For 3.5 years, I wrestled with God, been tried by fire, reached out to women I would have never known before, become as transparent as the glass in my living room window. My character has undergone a transformation only possible during times of throbbing pain and ever-stronger love. I have learned what it feels like to come to terms with “You will never conceive a child naturally without a miracle from God or much medical intervention.” I have faced impossibility . . .
Now, I am learning to repeat the age-old mantra: “Nothing is impossible with God. Nothing.” The deluge of infertility that has flooded my soul is slowly giving way to refreshing raindrops of belief, the splatterings of hope.
Join me. Join me as I journey. Join me as I rant and rave. Join me as I pray and give thanks. Join me as we witness miracles together – the impossible becoming possible.
Nearly 4 years to the day on April 4, 2014, I welcomed a sweet miracle of a baby girl – Abigail Nichelle, who is my daily reminder that I am never alone. God does do miracles.
Now, at the beginning of 2016, I begin the journey to conceive another precious babe. This road seems familiar and well-worn, but I am a different woman now and the journey is never the same.
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Welcome. Welcome to a place you can find resources, remember you are not alone, and seek comfort as you too journey along the road of infertility.