Giving Thanks · Infertility · Motherhood · Pregnancy · TTC Baby #2

My Little Lion Baby {Forever}

*Warning: For those deep in the trenches of the infertility battle, this post may be hard to read as it references pregnancy success. Please feel free to come back when your heart is ready. I understand. I truly do.*

IMG_6991.JPGI’ve needed to write this post for over a week now. But, I didn’t have words.

I didn’t have the courage in the face of my history and a friend’s current loss.

How do you type out the meaning of treasure and miracle and surreal truth?

But now, I sit down with Irish breakfast tea in hand to make the attempt. To describe the miracle contained in the three tiny words:

I. Am. Pregnant.

Very pregnant.Β 

IMG_6982My first HCG level at 13 dp transfer came in yesterday at over 1800. The nurse almost laughed on the phone. Now, we are waiting for hormone levels today and an ultrasound next week. Then, I’m sure there will be many, many more blood tests ahead, as my doctor slowly weans my body off of the hormone support provided by my intramuscular PIO injection and six vaginal suppository pills. I will be considered five weeks pregnant this Saturday, so I probably have about five more weeks of the medications before the baby’s placenta is fully formed and producing the hormones needed to sustain pregnancy.

This has been a crazy journey.

But, I don’t think the “joy” part of this announcement has sunk into my heart. I’m in shock. Good shock, but shock nonetheless.

For those of you who know my story, it took 3.5 years and several rounds of IVF to conceive Abby. But, this time my Little Lion Baby implanted deep on the very first round. I’ve been on drugs since December/January and on injectables only since February.

And, I. Am. Pregnant.

Since embryo transfer, I’ve been anything but a model patient. Abby became very, very ill with a high fever three days after transfer, and since then, I’ve been carrying her, holding her through the night, sleeping very little myself, ignoring my own needs much of the time, and way more “mommy-routine active” than I had planned. I feared that I would ruin my chances of successful embryo implantation, but I also felt that I had no other option. Abby needed me and refused all other care but mine.Β IMG_6748.JPG

IMG_6777.JPGIn my fear in the middle of the night as Abby’s fever was hovering between 102 and 103, I felt God whisper. That He was big enough to take care of both of my children. That for the rest of my mothering journey there would always be a tug-a-war between who needed me most. And there would never be enough of me. And I would always have to choose who needed me the most in that moment. And He would never leave me nor my babies through any of it.

I choose to find peace in that assurance. That middle-of-the-night truth.

And I dreamed in my semi-awake state that I felt my Lion Baby’s heart beating. Low and deep in my body. While I dared not trust that, I was comforted.

Then the positive pregnancy tests started barely visible at 5 days past transfer (10 days past ovulation). And, I’ve been holding carefully this truth sequestered in my heart.

Somehow, in the midst of this crazy, I have a brave little one growing and growing.

This is a miracle that I am unworthy of, but will be the carrier of. This tiny little one. This life.Β  IMG_6908


17 thoughts on “My Little Lion Baby {Forever}

  1. O.M.G. Congratulations!!!! Praying for Lion Baby’s continued growth 😊 I’m so happy for you momma!

    1. Thank you! Thank you! I’m sorry that I didn’t respond to your email, but I’ve been doing the bare minimum these past couple of weeks with everything going on.

      1. No apologizes necessary! You take all the time you need πŸ™‚ When you get a chance if you don’t mind emailing me your mailing address I have a little something for you πŸ™‚

    1. Thank you! Still in shock for sure! How are you doing? I’ve been thinking about you tons? How is being a mom of two? I hope I didn’t miss a post, but I’ve been watching for one!

  2. OMGSH!!! So happy and excited for you!!! I’m sorry Abby has been sick though, and I hope she is starting to feel better now. How was her birthday? Take care of yourself ❀

    1. Thank you! This is an amazing journey – though crazy – and I’m so grateful for your encouragement. Abby’s birthday has been mainly low key so far, but we are planning a bit of a donut party with friends in the park soon πŸ™‚ Her two-year-old post should be coming soon!

  3. Congratulations Lauren! We are so happy for you both. I have been praying and will continue to pray. It is amazing how when you are a mother to two children there is enough love for each child you have and the Lord is so sweet to prompt us to know better what each of our children need.

    Our son Elliot is due to be born May 27th. I am 7 weeks away from birthing our son and so in awe of how the Lord has redeemed Lydia Ann’s death and how He continues to love and hold our family. I of course miss my sweet girl, she would be four years old, but am thankful for our son moving inside my womb.

    1. Oh, Joanna!!! Congratulations! That is the best news ever! May this little boy be a balm in your family and add even more smiles πŸ™‚ Thank you for your prayers and love!

  4. Oh my gosh! Yay!!!! I’ve been quite absent in posting for awhile but have been following your journey, as I’m starting to think about my next transfer. I am so excited for you!!!! Healthy growing vibes to you and your little lion!!!!!!!

  5. What a joy! I was worried when you hadn’t posted. Such a relief to hear of your positive result. Celebrating with you.

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