Tears streamed down my cheeks, as I clenched an empty coffee mug and sat cross-legged in bed, overcome by a familiar grief. My 10-month-old was asleep in her crib. My husband was sitting nearby. Nothing seemed amiss on this particular evening in February. But, the images wouldn’t leave. Of myself curled in a ball on… Continue reading The Stretch Marks of Infertility
Two grandfathers dead in the past year. Two very early miscarriages in the past six months. One best friend raped in the past several years. Three years and counting of infertility. Medical treatments ranging from detox/elimination diets to near hyperstimulation on IVF drugs. Finances gone from somewhat stable to barely eeking by. Desire for a… Continue reading Quick Update {Hugs to All}
I don’t mean any disrespect to the traditional child’s prayer, but it just struck me as ironic tonight. I am fighting to simply think about anything other than the upcoming pregnancy test. Laying me down to sleep in peace is barely a blip on my radar. But, I guess it should be. As the evening… Continue reading And now I lay me down to sleep
It’s the pitter patter of a heart hoping. It’s the flutterings of the “maybes” and the “it could be this month.” It’s the tentative step toward the miracle. Friday I believed I was pregnant. I caught myself talking to my baby. Besides wanting to eat much of the time, the rest of my attention was… Continue reading The faint flutterings of hope
An empty, blue vitamin container sitting next to my computer indicates that I’ve taken my nutrients for the morning, as well as a small white pill that often makes me desire to throw up. Pleasant, right? In between bites of breakfast and sips of black tea, I swallowed them . . . calcium, magnesium, multi, prebiotics,… Continue reading Struggling with dreams
I left work at noon today after barely being able to answer my students’ questions, much less stand and teach. Feeling slightly defeated, I curled up in bed, nauseous and worn out. Three hours later I woke up to realize that the nauseousness had only slightly dissipated, and the afternoon had flown by. Apparently, I… Continue reading Let the green begin. A journey through nauseousness.
Wrote my first post on my personal blog today after days and days of silence. I feel that I may finally be returning to writing, returning to normalcy, returning to stability. But, maybe not. These days of silence have primarily been due to the face that my husband and I moved last week across the city,… Continue reading Days of Silence
A moment of panic turns into a twisted knot, deep in the pit of my stomach. While hours ago I was calm and at peace, that’s been disturbed by my own worrying. I broke a cardinal rule: I began to “Google” symptoms (or the lack thereof) that I have been experiencing this week on Clomid.… Continue reading Breaking a cardinal rule
I’ve looked around. Facebook is full of tidbits of news from all my pregnant friends. One of them is being induced today. Another is just starting to “pop” at about 6 months. I’ve looked around some more. One friend may lose her husband prematurely to health concerns. Another is grieving the loss of a baby… Continue reading Perspective
Restlessly, I tossed and turned last night, fading in and out of partially-dreamt dreams. Some might tell me today that my life is only partially-dreamt, partially-fulfilled, partially-blessed. But, as I curl up in my robe by the fireplace, darkness still cloaking the out-of-doors, last night’s sleep fades away. With it recedes the restlessness that plagued me. Dawn… Continue reading When red fades into dawn
Tear Drops Falling 