It’s the pitter patter of a heart hoping. It’s the flutterings of the “maybes” and the “it could be this month.” It’s the tentative step toward the miracle.
Friday I believed I was pregnant. I caught myself talking to my baby. Besides wanting to eat much of the time, the rest of my attention was directed toward thinking about and pondering the miracle inside of me. During a planning period, I escaped my classroom and began to walk around the snowy lake. The crunch of frozen leaves and the swirling snowflakes all seem to point to the eminent miracle.
A baby…
This morning I did what you shouldn’t do. I took a pregnancy test about a week early. Negative, as I expected. You see, I was instructed not to test until 17 days past my IUI. I am only 9 days past currently. Very few women get a positive this soon. I kept myself distracted yesterday with errands, cleaning, and organizing. I took a long walk, trying to not go stir-crazy since I have not been allowed to be active for several weeks due to my high risk of ovarian hyperstimulation and twisting. Several more weeks of no running, yoga, or aerobics are probably in my future.
The sacrifice, however, is definitely worth it.
I could discuss in great length my sore, dark, enlarged, hard nipples. I could discuss my great hunger (despite my lack of activity). I could discuss the gas, the bloating, the promising BBT patterns. But, I could also discuss all the synthetic hormones in my body that could be causing these early pregnancy symptoms. I’ve been told to ignore them – ignore the signs that other women rejoice to experience. Yeah, right!
The excruciating next seven to eight days seem like an eternity right now. An eternity that I might not want to end. What if I finally test next week and a big fat negative still appears? What does that mean? Sometimes the not knowing is a little bit easier than the knowing.
But, even in these moments, the Spirit whispers the words of the prophet Isaiah from the 26th chapter:
“You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind [both its inclination and its character] is stayed on You, because he commits himself to You, leans on You, and hopes confidently in You. 4 So trust in the Lord (commit yourself to Him, lean on Him, hope confidently in Him) forever; for the Lord God is an everlasting Rock [the Rock of Ages].”
These were the words wrapping themselves like a warm blanket around me as I strolled around the chilly lake. These are the promises I am holding fast to.
Perfect and constant peace….
As I commit myself to my Daddy God….
As I lean on the Savior who never leaves me nor forsakes me….
As I hope confidently in the love of my Heavenly Father….
He is our everlasting reward.
Tear Drops Falling 
Those early symptoms are such a pain. I always joke that I wish God had chosen to make pregnancy symptoms more different from menstruation symptoms than He did! Sounds like you are more at rest in God now….I’m so glad. This journey is so hard but even so much harder when we do it apart from Him.
Am praying with you, dear friend.